youre lurking in front of me
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
