Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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