I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
