Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
