I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
