I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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