Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
