it was like his penis was on wheels.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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