I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
