Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
