I think i sorta joined a cult last night
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
