I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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