youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
