its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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