The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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