Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
