i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
