i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
