next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
