I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
