i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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