dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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