Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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