You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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