dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
