Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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