they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
