I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
