I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
