Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
