Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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