His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
