FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
