I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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