is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
