I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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