Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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