I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
