Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
