the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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