im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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