yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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