I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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