Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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