I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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