Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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