I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
