I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
