When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
