At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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