guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
