Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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