I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
